MAB: King Connor single-handedly beats the jersey embezzlers

Shanny’s Note: The boycott is on hold for a third consecutive day because the Connor McShow was active last night and his latest act of iconic heroism single-handedly defeated my mortal enemy.

Live look at my boycott:

As seen by Telus customers and subscribers of Rogers NHL Live, our heroic mutant once again ut the team on his generational back and carried us to victory by way of three points plus the shootout winner, moving him back into a tie for third place with MacKinnon and Byng. Connor’s on pace for 125 points on the Edmonton goddamn Oilers. More on this in a minute. For now, let’s recap how he defeated these backstabbing jersey terrorists.

1st Period

Cam gave up a stinker but 26 seconds later:

I’m kidding Shaw customers, chill. You’ll finally get to see all the McPoints don’t worry. Here’s Nurse from Chiasson and Connor:

One McPoint. Darnell’s starting to build a gap between fifth and sixth on the team for goals with his sixth of the year. He’s now two whole goals ahead of Brodziak and Jesse. One more from the Nurse and someone other than the Big Three and Chiasson will finally catch Drake Caggiula.

2nd Period

The crooks scored early in the frame, and though the period was absolute dog turd, it was Connor who once again came to the rescue:

I don’t care what anyone says, he’s the Hart Trophy winner and if he’s not then abolish the award forever because it’s fundamentally flawed and there is no God.

2-2

3rd Period

Things were going not terrible until those serial lying scumbags took the lead off just a terribly unlucky sequence of bounces with under six to play. I was living my nightmare. This was the first game that I’ve truly paid attention to since maybe before Christmas and we were seconds away from losing to the most unethical organization professional sports. It was a disaster… until it wasn’t. Cue the Captain:

GIVE ME THE CELLY:

OHHHH CAPTIAN MY CAPTAIN!! Children were immaculately conceived during that knee-drop fist-pump UP YOURS FLORIDA celebration of absolutely epic proportions. WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT HIM?! (We’d be relegated).

3-3 SKIP OT AND LET’S GO RIGHT TO THE SHOOTOUT BECAUSE:

He hath done it again!!! Cam saved both shots and Nuge provided the other shootout goal and Connor defeated my biggest personal rivals GIVE ME MY JERSEYS AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CITY, FLORIDA!

4-3 McDavid, final

THOUGHTS!

Connor over everything.

He is single-handedly dragging this nuclear dump of a franchise into the playoffs.

Seriously, he won another Molson Cup for the month of December. That’s like a million straight Molson Cups. Hank and I were trying to think of when the last time a different player won that award. Can’t recall. Might have been Talbot like two years ago. Connor is inhuman.

Thanks to Shaw, fans were able to watch the Oilers with 10 times the visual pain of regular games. Thanks to Hank’s Telus subscription, I was able to watch the Oilers without an erratically flickering screen trying to gouge my eyes out and give me a seizure at the same time. Shaw customers got home from work, said hi to the wife and kids, maybe cracked open a beer and just wanted to melt and watch the Connor McShow and then OH MY GOD!!

Shaw Twitter, meet Oilers Twitter when Connor goes off for three and the win, but fans can’t watch because the game looks like it’s streamed on AOL:

No way this public display of outrage happens if the feed was spasmodically cutting out during that Sharks game. God, I love Edmonton. The boys have shuffled between incredibly abysmal and intolerantly inconsistent over the last three weeks but we beat the Panthers in a shootout at home and the entire city re-craves our hockey club like a society of recovering addicts. If you watched the one-game over 500 Edmonton Oilers through a blinking television you are unequivocally the biggest Oilers fan in the entire universe and I tip my cap to your undying love for this team.

If Connor scored here my dong would have volcanically erupted:

The low hangers it takes to attempt that move. He is a God amongst mortals.

My boy <3:

Fucks like Peter North, skates like Bambi on sedatives. I love him.

This is… this is something:

In 1984-85, Wayne Gretzky had 208 points. It was the most points ever accumulated by a player in a single season in NHL history. Connor is currently on pace to break Wayne Gretzky’s goal share record, not because he’s on pace for 208 points, but due to the unfortunate fact that our sixth highest scoring player has been injured since December 11th, and our fifth highest scoring forward (“top six” category) is on pace for 26 points. Look at this shit:

Add “being the all-time leader in team goal percentage” to the growing list of NHL records Connor is trying to take over. He turns 22 years old on Sunday.

Death. Taxes. And Dave Staples attacking the fans who have suffered through the worst effort by a professional sports franchise over a 12 year period:

Yes, we should all be blind and give our unflappable support to the organization that has proven time and time again of being functionally incapable of producing consistently adequate hockey. Good take, Dave. That’s still a sink.

I look forward to the day where Peter’s ass gets canned and I can thoroughly enjoy watching my favourite team again. On that note, it may be sooner than we think:

Let us pray. Happy weekend, everyone.

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