GDB: Connor is here

Fear.

Feel that? That’s biggest piece of shit on the planet Mike Babcock bottling his fear up in anticipation of His Holy Return from NHL prison. To steal a quote from George R.R. Martin’s first novel in the Song of Ice and Fire series, “A Game of Thrones”:

What do you know of fear? Fear is for the winter, my little lord, when the snows fall a hundred feet deep and the ice wind comes howling out of the north. Fear is for the long night, when the sun hides its face for years at a time, and little children are born and live and die all in darkness while the direwolves grow gaunt and hungry, and the white walkers move through the woods

– Old Nan, being eerie as shit with a 7-year-old

You have no idea what fear is until you face a royally infuriated Connor McDavid in his hometown. White Walker Connor is coming. And he’s mad:

Connor’s back, He’s pissed, and I’m all kinds of hot and bothered thinking about Him going scorched earth on Toronto tonight. It’s time to be bad, people. I hate these guys. I don’t throw that word around lightly, either. I save it for my absolute enemies, like the Calgary Flames, and the Florida Panthers, and of course, these humungous assholes and their abhorrent fan base and their buttfuckery of media personalities. I hate the Leafs. I hate them with every ounce of hate in my sadistic body. Fuck the Leafs, their grammatically incorrect name, their obsessive desire to humiliatingly shred Edmonton to pieces, and their annually unrealistic expectations for their loser franchise with a Costco-sized bundle of rusty lawn darts. It gives me so much joy that the Raptors will win a championship before the Leafs. At their rate of cap management and the unprecedented success of Tampa Bay, even the goddamn Jays might win one before the Leafs. Let’s absolutely go.

Tonight’s Opponent

Duds. Shit bags. Losers. Don Cherry loathes the Carolina Hurricanes for having an iota of fun after wins but say the word “Leafs” to that senile Grinch and he’ll close his eyes and have a two-hour soundless orgasm. It’s repulsive.

Our Lineup

As mentioned.

He.

Has.

Returned:

RNH – McDavid – Gagner
Rieder – Draisaitl – Chiasson
Lucic – Cave – Currie
Malone – Brodziak – Kassian

Klefbom – Larsson
Nurse – Russell
Benning – Sekera

Koskinen

Say what you will about the roster. Say that there are maybe seven NHL players at forward. Make fun of the blue line. I’ve done it HUNDREDS of times, and that’s only since the beginning of January. But guess what? We’re bad now. And not in the way that we used to be/still maybe are a bit. We’ve picked up some swagger. The NHL reigned down on us with the force of Thor’s Hammer and all we did in that two-game window was pick up three of a possible four points to keep our slim playoff hopes alive.

And now… He’s back.

As Brad Pitt famously said in his biopic of Billy Beane’s Oakland Athletics:

You may not look like a winning team… but, you are one.

The only thing that matters now is that I’m fully onboard with the Oilers. I’ve embraced the bad, and I hope you have too. We survived Connor’s prison sentence and now we have 20 games left to make up eight points and pass five teams to shove the disgusting treatment of Connor back up the NHL’s clueless ass. I’ll believe we can still make the playoffs until we literally cannot make it anymore. I don’t care how far back we are. I don’t care how many Brad Malones and Colby Caves dress on a nightly basis. As long as He is playing, we’ll always have a chance at winning.

Their Lineup

Hyman – Tavares – Marner
Johnsson – Matthews – Kapanen
Marleau – Nylander – Brown
Ennis – Gauthier – Moore

Rielly – Hainsey
Muzzin – Zaitsev
Dermott – Ozhiganov

Anderson

It is what it is. It’s a good lineup. They can bury at will. They’ve potted 11 in their last two games. They’re fourth overall in goals for. Nazem Kadri is out with a concussion but they can slide basically anyone into his position and get roughly the same production without any of the tangential assholery. Jake Gardiner is also out tonight but Babcock would rather play Ron Hainsey 25 minutes a night over any defenseman not named “Morgan Rielly” anyway. So, who cares. Fuck these guys so hard.

Finally

I can’t stress enough how bad their coverage stinks. Like, we have to suffer through all the dipshitting vomit regurgitated by John Shannon and Jim Matheson and David Sinks et al., but at least we’re not this:

RIDICULOUS, James! Elisha Pettersson scores at the exact same rate as AuStOn but you don’t see James Mirtle doing Twitter boners over his production. Steve Simmons fat-shamed Phil Kessel out of town and all he did was go on to win back-to-back Stanley Cups despite loving the odd hot dog. Imagine being body-shamed by this guy:

He is the worst. He’s universally despised by Toronto athletes of all sports. These are the assholes that cover the Leafs.

And I haven’t even touched back on Don Cherry’s cripplingly absurd takes on hockey and life in general. Signing good Ontario kids is the only remaining thing that gives Don a wrinkly boner. It’s unfathomable that Sportsnet still gives him TV time. I hope the Carolina Hurricanes win the Stanley Cup and visit Don Cherry with the Cup instead of that other unethical abomination of a human.

And their fans. Oh my god, their fans. Toronto basks in moments to impale Edmonton on top of the frozen CN Tower despite us having won four more playoff series in the last 17 years than Toronto. What the hell kind of take is this?:

Bro, if He is “your Ontario boy” then is Auston “Arizona’s Arizona boy”? “COARSE!” “LOOSERS!” He screams! That’s the spelling of a man who unequivocally endorses Doug Ford’s ethical policies. I could publish an entire blog which strictly embeds Leafs Takes that will make your heads spin off. What a bunch of numb-headed Kraft Dinner for brains cesspit of megafauna turd. The Leafs make me worship the Boston Bruins.

Prediction

5-4 Oilers. Connor with everything. Suck in hell, Toronto.

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