GDB Hawks (20-24-9) @ Oilers (23-24-5) but we’re 0-0-2 in the Interim Era

It’s colder than Mars and the Edmonton Oilers are in 24th place. Welcome to February.

I’m officially back after taking another weekend off to deteriorate whatever’s left of my body and mind. Since returning from our bye week, the Oilers have dropped two straight winnable games yet inexplicably remain three points back of a wildcard position. Not because of how well we’ve played for four months, but because every other team is actively trying to keep our dwindling hopes of making the playoffs alive. We’re five points out of last place in the West and we’re talking about being buyers at the deadline because every team around us sucks too. I want to cry for Connor if not for the fact that he’s pulling $12.5 million before endorsements.

Tonight’s Opponent

The team that suckered us Peter into trading for this fucking guy:

Imagine losing a trade involving Drake Caggiula and Jason Garrison? A reminder: Brandon Manning is still under contract for another year at $2.25 million.

Our Lineup

My God:

Admittingly, it’s been over a month since I really cared or paid attention to our roster. I knew it was bad because the raging idiot responsible for putting it together landed us almost every bad contract in the league before his iconic departure. But holy shit. Look at that. This team is seriously three forwards and a bunch of other pieces who make watching hockey feel like the equivalent of staring directly into a solar eclipse. I seriously don’t understand the mystique of walking six blocks to the Rog Mahal and freezing one’s balls off in this -3600 degree Alberta weather to watch this fucking team punt a third period lead into the Skylounge. And this is a team that has Connor McDavid. He single-handedly owned the Flyers and we still lost in OT. What the hell happened to that Cave guy? If you’re going to the game tonight I pray for you.

Klef is back though. That’s nice.

Oh, and Rej is technically “back” but is down for conditioning while our interim GM – who happens to be the brother of a former player – figures out how to clear up cap space so the team in 24th doesn’t take any cap penalty.

This likely involves trading the goalie who is starting for us tonight. Cam’s save percentage is just slightly worse than the goalie we just gave three more years and $13.5 million to. Talbot will be traded to another team and will go on to probably have a Vezina-caliber end to the season because he’s away from this categorical nightmare of a franchise. Meanwhile, I just hope that Mikko Koskinen does not continue his magical transformation into 2019’s Anders Nilsson.

He has three wins in his last 11 starts. Everything sucks.

Their Lineup

This. -ish:

Drake is back which means two things:

  • He will storm DMs like Normandy, and:
  • He will score a goal.

Drake has four points in his last 10 games, and three of them came on the same night. Classic Drake. He’s also slotted to play on the first line with Kane and Toews. Drake scoring tonight is a bigger guarantee than the Patriots playing in the Super Bowl every February.

On defense:

Erik Gustafsson is a painful reminder of a defenseman that the Oilers had and let go and now could badly use. I don’t know what a Carl Dahlstrom is but I’m sure he would have been a better trade option than Brandon Manning. Thank god we fired Peter before he traded Puljujarvi and three picks for Brent Seabrook.

Cam Ward is starting. Cam Ward absolutely stinks but plays like the son of God when up against the Oilers. It’s one of life’s biggest mysteries, right up there with “what’s in Edmonton’s waters?” and “where did my money go after a night at the Pint?”

Other Stuff

If there’s any good news that’s come from this buttfuckery of a year, it’s that Auston Matthews was just grossly overpaid by Toronto. Yes, we can now confirm that Auston will be getting this much for this long:

Five years and 11.634 (dickheads with that intentional extra 0.034) for a guy who has never eclipsed 70 points. Mitch Marner will play for someone else next year and all of Toronto will shit on his family for not taking a $6.5 million pay cut to play for the Leafs. I want to kiss Tampa Bay for blocking Toronto from winning the Cup.


*shrugs* Chicago sucks. We can’t lose to them at home, can we? I mean. It’s possible. But they’re bad. Stop me if this sounds familiar but they have like 1.5 real threats and no goaltending in the world to speak of. Connor should feast. He’s only four back of Kucherov for that Throne of his and there’s a realistic possibility he catches him tonight. Let’s go 6-3 Oilers. Connor with all of them.

Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
Notify of