GDB: Just impale this team with an industrial-sized stake already

Oh my god wait until you see our lineup.

Tonight’s Opponent

Arizona Coyotes, who have suffered no less than one billion injuries this year, and are currently four points ahead of the team wth Connor McDavid on it. Clayton Keller leads the Coyotes with 38 (!!!) points this year. Alex Galchenyuk’s 13 goals are also a team leader. Alex Chiasson, who was picked up as part of a plea bargain during the summer, is fourth on the Oilers with 17 goals. That team… wait, I’m a visual person. THIS team:

Is ahead of the Oilers in Connor McDavid’s fourth goddamn season. Conor Garland would be fifth on the Oilers in goals. What in the name of Jupiter’s 67 moons is a Conor Garland?

Our Lineup

And here is example A of why Arizona is a better run organization than the Edmonton Oilers:

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins has played eight seasons for the Edmonton Oilers and somehow hasn’t killed a human being yet. That poor hyphenated-man has been forced to skate with a supermassive blackhole strapped to his torso for the better part of the entire year and is still third on the Oilers with 53 points in 58 games. Today, he’s playing with two other players who were drafted by the Oilers, and those two have combined for one goal this year. Might as well play him with Colby Cave (the Cock probably will). All this shit has been dumped on his frozen doorstep and John Shannon, that beady-eyed sack of milky diarrhea, still had the audacity to call him out. Nuge has unwillingly been forced through countless roster changes and like seven head coaches and four general managers since we drafted this poor fucking soul first overall in 2011, and one can’t help but wonder if Nuge has a calendar with a big red circle on July 1, 2020. Marlin didn’t suffer this much when he lost that little shit Nemo. Fuck John Shannon with every hair from that dirt rug he calls a goatee.

The best part is, I think Gagner and Rieder are somehow an improvement on Milan Lucic.

Stolarz has a clause in his contract that makes him a UFA is he doesn’t play like X numbers of minutes in the remainder of the year. We will screw this up.

Oh Rej is back. Yay.

Too late, idiot. We’re four points out of last place. Not in the West, in the entire goddamn NHL. The broke ass Ottawa Senators traded Erik Karlsson, traded Mike Hoffman, and are moments away from trading Matt Duchene and Mark Stone, and they’re four points behind us. Peter’s Plan™ was an unmitigated dumpster fire. I’d say #LoseforHughes but we #TankedforConnor and we still fucking blow.

Their Lineup

Honestly, whatever.

Other Shit

Guess who cleared waivers!

Yep. It was the rotting corpse of Brandon Manning, who broke our generational superstar’s clavicle, then bragged about it, then continued to be a terrible defenseman, then continued to be a terrible defenseman but with a terrible contract too, then became an Edmonton Oiler because Peter’s Harvard degree had been scouting this bag of assholes for TWO YEARS. I apologize, Brandon Manning did not clear waivers, he attempted to clear waivers but then turned waivers over at the blue line and proceeded to get walked like a fucking puppy before ultimately conceding a goal against. Now this corpse will be shackled to our payroll for at least another season (I say at least because it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if this team buys out Manning this summer, despite that not doing us any good whatsoever). The right GM might be able to trade a Brandon Manning next season while eating some of his salary. We will not find that GM.

Let’s laugh at Beer League Heroes now:

If you follow this dumb shit just go ahead and unfollow me. I don’t even care. This person works for the organization’s upper management and is paid to pump out positive spins in a way not unfamiliar to Bob Stauffer, he has to be. Nobody is this dumb. Even Donny thought the Manning trade was an unequivocal nightmare. Then, this self-proclaimed hero comes in with the hottest of hot takes and calls these moves “solid GM-ing” as if they didn’t cost us two assets and two players we could have waived anyway. It’s no surprise that Chicago has been on heat-seeking molten lava fire since catapulting Brandon Manning’s lifeless body right into our windows.

Prediction

I’m making ENS HISTORY today. Everything Hank ever did for this website is being carried out into the sea and I’m sitting here watching it disappear over the horizon as Tom Hanks did with fucking Wilson. The Oilers will lose this game. Arizona played last night. They were spanked by Calgary, actually. Any normal team would take advantage of this opportunity against a team we are still somehow technically “chasing” and blow them out of our home doors en route to a massive moral and literal victory. We are not a normal team. We are Oilerz. We will lose 4-2. Connor will get both. He’ll be 14 points or some shit behind Kucherov. Ottawa will be knock knock knocking on our frigid doors, which also act as the gates to hell. I am miserable.

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