GDB Oilers (23-25-5) @ Wild (26-22-5): A playoff “race” “battle”

The odds ^that play was called a penalty are about the same as the odds of Petrovic, Manning and Spooner making positive contributions to the hockey club.

This one’s a bit late because it was NBA trade deadline day (*cries for JV*) and I completely forgot that we played tonight. To be fair, we’re playing the Wild. So this is barely a game anyway. This team sucks the fun out of life. They’re hockey’s dementors. I still have PTSD from the Northwest Division days where we played these assholes eights times per year. Fuck Manny Fernandez and Wes Walz and Pierre-goddamn-Marc Bouchard with all $84 million of Kirk Cousin’s guaranteed money.

Tonight’s Opponent

Remember when their equipment manager, Tony DeCosta, got drunk on the bus ride to Nisku and decided to launch an attack on our city?

A) it’s “than” you illiterate douche stick, and B) what the hell did we ever do to you, @styleswild? I’m pretty sure you beat us in that game albeit I don’t really remember 2-1 losses that well. The man who cleans Mikko Koivu’s jockstrap wanted to pile drive Edmonton into one of our many snowbanks. His drunk ass kept going too (before the inevitable apology, of course):

This was in 2013. The pain of knowing that this was true then and STILL holds true today is insurmountable. Naturally, leave our city and it’s appearance out of this, you glorified custodian, but goddamn you’re not wrong about the franchise and I hate you even more for that. I hope Oilers fans rifle jerseys onto the ice at the Xcel Energy Center tonight, then Tony can think about how right he was as he washes them after the game.

Our Lineup

Conflicting reports coming out of Minny but the nightmare looks something like (I’m guessing, based on what I’ve read) this:

Rieder – McDavid – Draisaitl
Lucic – Nuge – Chiasson
Kassian- Malone – Rattie
Cave – Khaira – Puljujarvi

Klefbom – Larsson
Nurse – Russell
Manning – Benning

Talbot

Fuck that so much.

People have actually started to criticize Nugent-Hopkins for tailing off, because who else are we supposed to blame in Edmonton besides one of the only three good forwards we have. Look at the wingers suffocating him like a set of parentheses on the second line. That’s an NHL second line. Alex Chiasson has been a nightmare at 5v5, and Milan Lucic receives passes like this:

Peter crucified this franchise. He depleted every goddamn asset we had and left us with whatever the hell this shit is. That’s a cap roster!!!! Jesse is inexplicably on the fourth line buried below juggernaut wingers like Zack Kassian and Ty Rattie and Milan Deep Freeze. He’s playing with Colby fucking Cave, who has played five of the least memorable games in Oilers history. I couldn’t tell you what number he wears. Same with Brad Malone. Three years from now I’ll look back at our 2018-19 roster and not have a single clue who Brad Malone or Colby Cave was. Someone get me out of this imprisoning hellscape.

Brandon Manning is back. Jesus Christ.

Their Lineup

Mikko Koivu is out for the year with something that sounds like it could kill Superman, so their lineup looks like this:

That lineup has scored fewer goals than we have and yet they’re a full six points ahead of us. Their 2016 first round pick (Luke Kunin) has 7 points in 21 games. You for sure remember Joel Eriksson Ek, the kid who the Oilers were going to take instead of Barzal. Well, I have some bad news for fans of the Griffin Reinhart trade because the man whose name you yell at us every time we bring up Barzal is actually playing in the NHL. Meanwhile, Grif has 10 points in 45 games with the Chicago Wolves this year.

I’m not exactly sure what a Tony Bitetto is but we should do everything in our power to get Connor McDavid on the ice against it. To quote one of my personal favourite advertisments, Mazda:

*whispers* “zoom zoom.”

Brad Hunt will probably score tonight because, well.

Other Stuff

MUST. LISTEN. ALERT!

Before calling into the show, Jack huffed an entire pack of Du Maurier regular and knocked back no less than three shots of Canadian Club. He then miraculously proceeded to set the Oilers and their entire organization back even further than we already fallen. Not only did it sound like he was defending Daryl Katz, I honestly think Jack believes we need MORE former 80s players. What an incredible rant from Jack in Castledowns. Just an unprecedented display of alcoholism.

Has to be a parody caller, right? Has to be. There’s no way he thinks the solution to success is more players who played with Gretzky and Messier? Right?

No Jack is probably as serious as they come. When you think about it, Jack is a perfect avatar for our Oiler fan ancestors – our elders who came before us millennials ruined hockey with our computers and analytics and our dislike for blocked shots: a drunk, cigarette-addicted, team-radio diehard who already divorced two separate women named Barbara and would have named his children Character and Grit if the first Barbara had let him. Imagine Jack voting for anybody other than the UCP in the next election?

Prediction

Shit. I want to do something dramatic like 6-1 Oilers CONNOR WITH 8 but this is Minnesota and I am a realist.

2-1 Oilers. Connor with both. I will probably watch the Raptors game.

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