GDB Oilers (24-27-5) @ Hurricanes (29-22-6): Welcome back to hell

*checks standings*

*checks Oil Change*

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I don’t think we were a shining example of how to rebuild a hockey team. Daryl is moments away from sending season ticket holders their renewal packages with that 5% increase in prices that metaphorically mimics a middle finger the size of his empty luxury suite. Bob Stauffer, that mouth-breathing sack of mashed potatoes, said on OilersNOW yesterday that Oilers fans are being too impatient. Again, in 2010, Daryl Katz said we’d be a shining example of how to rebuild a team. Nine years ago. One playoff appearance. Yet here we are. We’re still watching this club. We’re still talking about this club. We’re still selling out the arena that our taxpaying asses paid for. We’ve single-handedly disproved the majority of Darwin’s evolution theories by perpetually demonstrating our inability to adapt as a cultural whole. We’ve won six of our last 23. We’re tied for fourth last. The only thing lower than Edmonton’s temperature is the Oilers’ goals for and against differential. It’s year infinity of the rebuild. I wish those goddamn Mayans would have followed through with that promise. Let’s go I guess.

Tonight’s Opponent

The team we lost to only two playoff appearances ago:

If it wasn’t for Daryl Katz and Kevin Lowe and Craig MacTavish and Scott Howson and everyone else who had their fingers in this decade and a half of dipshittery, I’d blame Marc-Andre Bergeron for all of our problems. Hell, I wouldn’t hold it against that two-named imbecile putting some sort of voodoo on our franchise after he bulldozed Andrew Ladd right into our chances of winning that Stanley Cup. Truth is, Matt Greene couldn’t keep up with Ladd (go figure) and so Bergeron was forced (?) to step up and defend the scoring chance. We then painted MAB as a resident villain of Edmonton and he was viciously booed out of town, and we’ve been cursed ever since. Fuck Marc-Andre Bergeron with every jersey we’ve thrown on the ice.

Our Lineup

Connor McDavid – Leon Draisaitl
Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

All three of those players have been called out by local media in the last week. Because, as you know, they’re the ones who need to give more to this team!

I think Koskinen is starting in goal because I’m pretty sure Cam Talbot has already moved to Philly. I don’t really care. Nothing matters.

Their Lineup

Look it up here if you want. I have no analysis to give. They’re better than us, what can I say? They’re talking about trading Dougie Hamilton and the Oilers would be stupid not to at least call and ask about a defenseman who could easily solve a lot of problems on our backend/just in general. Alright then. So let’s assume they do not call.

I seriously wonder how Bob’s audit is going? Did he ever find Peter’s Plan™? Has he discovered what’s in that water yet? I pray it’s some sort of alien hallucinogenic and that this entire process has been some sort of altered reality. That or meth.

Other Goddamn Shit

Let’s quickly run through the timeline of Jesse Puljujarvi’s tenure as an Edmonton Oiler:

  • Peter bets on 18-year-old JP, who knows like three English words, as being able to seamlessly replace Taylor Hall.
  • Oilers give JP 28 NHL games, averaging 11 mins TOI and thereby burning one year of his ELC, before sending him to the AHL.
  • Oh shit, he was also a healthy scratch for 12 games. So, he was up for 40 NHL games before getting some ice time. Forty.
    • Oh, and because he was from Europe, he could have been sent down after nine games and thus not had one year of his contract burned. So fuck us twice.
  • Played in exactly 14 AHL games over the next two seasons.
  • Continues to play with Colby Cave – who is a hockey player but sounds like one of Narcity’s “11 most stunning places to take that perfect Instagram picture in Jasper!” – and Kyle fucking Brodziak.
  • When he does get into the top six he is immediately demoted after SELFISHLY not scoring a goal in the first nine minutes of the game.
  • Has played less PP TOI than Tobias Rieder.

And so, ya. This is basically where we are at. Zack Kassian handles a pass like Kevin Malone handles a bowl of his chili, and yet Zack’s up on the first line derping away all of Connor and Leon’s possessions. As a hockey team, shitting away prospects has become the Oilers’ niche. As a media team, shitting on those same prospects for not being literal replicas of players from the 80s/cowboys has become their niche. Let’s check on Mim Jatheson’s vitals. Jimothy still hasn’t figured out how to thread a sequence of tweets so here they are, one by one:

To be fair to Jim, he has no idea how to assess any player ever:

Jim Matheson is a disease with a haven of takes covered in filth and disease matched only by the outdoor toilets of urban Bangladesh. The Edmonton Journal is in good hands.

Prediction

I don’t care. 3-2 Oilers. Connor with five.

Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of