Late Afternoon After Blog: Sam’s Story

WELCOME HOME, SAM!

This win did absolutely nothing for us but dammit did I ever get a tingling sensation in my dong watching Sammy G bury as an Oiler in 2019. Almost steamrolled through my TV when he let out that “fucking rights!” This one will be told is story form. It’s Sam’s Story. Lord of the 780: Return of the Kid.

Chapter 1: Blitzkrieg

It was utter domination for the first ten minutes, capped off by this spectacular display of powerplay-ism by the three amigos:

LaZy LeOn working in the power play’s construction with his hard hat and boots and just casually tipping in his 12th goal in his last 12 games. He now has 36 goals on the year. Nuge with one of the helpers, he has 55 in 60. Connor, fresh off the flu, with the other.

Chapter 2: Guess Who’s Back?

For the first time since April 4, 2014, against the STILL Phoenix Coyotes, it was time for some Sammy Magic:

Haven’t been this happy for an Oiler player in a long, long time. Probably since Connor left Sid hanging at the NHL Awards on his way to collect His MVP. Sam belongs here. And man, he looked GOOD last night. Like, very good. Once the Cock woke up and realized he was playing Connor with both Kassian and Lucic, and that they were getting their ureters sawed off analytically, Gags joined Connor’s McLine and they proceeded to walk the New York Islanders like an infant puppy for the rest of the night. It was magical. But before that happened, we had to go through a little hell:

Chapter 3: OHFUCKINGSHITMAKEITSTOP

Chapter 4: Recovery

The shots on goal were 8-4 in favour of us. Honestly, it’s not often I say this but at this point, it was pretty clear that we deserved to win the game. Four shots on goal in a period is absurdly low. Also, I kept waiting for Connor to get like suspended or something mid-game by the NHL because that sounds like something they would do to Him. I’m referring, of course, to Connor throwing what was easily the sneaky dirtiest hit of His magnificent career:

Drew Remenda wisely (da fuq?) pointed out that Connor was hauled down by Barzal no less than 15 seconds before this play happened. No call. Remenda then went for the jugular of both the officials and John Shannon in a valiant display of courage and allegiance change not seen since Darth Vader sacrificed himself to save Luke Skywalker. It was awesome. More later. For now, let’s continue Sam’s Story.

Chapter 5: Utter Domination

Just took it to New York for 20 straight minutes. Outshot them 17-6 and, if it wasn’t for Robin Lehner, the game would have been tied up long before it actually was. Anyway. Here we are, tying it up with the usual suspects:

And by usual suspects, I mean the third line ft. two players I rigorously called out during the game day blog. Lucic made a good play by throwing the puck on net for a change and then, much like Oilers fans, the Islanders forgot to realize that Colby Cave actually exists. Snuck in past a certain Jordan Eberle (who had one assist and was a Koskinen toe away from getting that goal I guaranteed) and buried the rebound by a sprawling Lehner. OT, baby. And Connor was here for this one too so fuck that shootout.

Chapter 6: Game Over

LAZY LEON ON THE FORECHECK TO WHO ELSE?!

Stupid lazy European hustling after an 80-second shift to win a puck battle and set up a streaking Daddy McDaddy for the game-winner. Give Connor 85 points. Give him 32 bingos. That’s a win baby. Forgot what these felt like.

The End

Epilogue

Okay, so Sam’s story really had like 1.5 parts involving Sam. So what?

Last time I checked Ned Stark starts out as like the main character in A Song of Ice and Fire and then George killed him in like Chapter 12. It’s Sam’s Story because without that goal, there is no overtime. Without that trade, there is no overtime. Sam had the openest cage in NHL history but Ryan Spooner still would have found a way to shoot that puck anywhere but into the net. Also I’m just so damn happy that Sam is back. I love Sam. Future ENS Hall of Famer.

Our first home win since January 14th!

Unfortunately, for those still clinging to playoff hopes and aspirations, all the teams we needed to lose either won or got a point last night. We remain six points out. The good news is, two of our next games are against Anaheim and Ottawa. The bad news is, the other two games are against Nashville and Toronto. Granted, if we go 2-2 in that stretch that will be the best four-game period of hockey we’ve played since January 10-16, when we won three of four and, more importantly, beat the Florida Panthers to death in a shootout.

Connor might get suspended I guess. I think it’s just a fine, but I also would name all of my first three kids Connor so I might be a tad bias.

I don’t want to talk about JP. I hope he is healthy and well and eating the shit out of a pizza somewhere while playing his Nintendo Switch. That is all.

When it’s the end of February and it’s -63 and the Oilers are in 27th but it doesn’t matter because you snorted an 8 ball of LOILTY before the game:

Leon Draisaitl has 36 goals and 73 points, good enough for third and eighth in the league in those two categories, respectively. Top ten in points. Top five in goals. Categorically speaking, being that good in those two specific categories makes $8.5 million look like kind of a steal. And yet, there are copious amounts of bumper sticker activists in Edmonton who want to trade this player. Let’s go laugh at them, starting with one that features Edmonton’s most beaten to death aphorism.

You better believe I reported that last tweet as abusive because Les spelled Connor with a fucking ‘e’.

Leon checks a lot of the boxes for blue-collared, pickup-driving, chew-spitting, LEADERSHIP-humping Edmontonians to gravitate towards wanting to trade. He’s a skilled, European-born winger who makes more money than their PCL-paying rig jobs and doesn’t block shots like a cowboy or nuthin‘ *picks butt*. You idiots, shake your damn heads and learn from the Taylor Hall trade. Running skilled players who can score virtually at will out of town will not help the Edmonton Oilers. You build around those skilled players, you don’t dump them into the abyss and then wonder where all the scoring went. One particularly dumb sack of toothpaste actually had the balls to say we should move Leon for a younger player. Oh?

It’s like we purposely don’t think sometimes. I like to do this thing before I try to run a player out of town. Here is my flow chart, in case you’re ever in a bide and need some advice:

Dumb idiots.

When John Shannon says Nuge needs to do more:

VERY POTENTIALLY UNPOPULAR OPINION: Drew Remenda is starting to grow on me. I don’t know why. But he is. Maybe he’s making good points? Maybe it’s his ever-growing willingness to go into battle for Connor McDavid? Maybe it’s the fact that he looks like the Dalai Lama beside John Shannon? He body bagged Shannon at the intermission. He was fuming to the point where I actually thought he might knock the glasses off of John’s face. And I was rooting for it. I was standing up hollering like a psychopath for Drew to punch John clean out. I think Drew’s passion may have sparked the comeback win? I’m living in a universe where I think Drew Remenda has good points. Never thought this would happen. Where the hell is the universe where the Edmonton Oilers make good points?

KEITH PLEASE!

Buying low on cheap young scoring forwards should be a major priority for Oilers right now. Go get him. Normally I’d warn against trading with the New York Islanders but in this case I’ll make an exception. Go get this kid. Give me Ho-Sang-Connor-Gagner and give it to me tomorrow against Anaheim.

Ho-Sang – McDavid – Gagner
Duclair – Nugent-Hopkins – Draisaitl
Lucic – Khaira – Rattie
Rieder – Brodziak – Cave

I’m cool with ending the season like that. Letting the Condors soar to an AHL championship. Getting a few of those guys ready for next year. Please, Keith. Give this as a deadline parting gift for Oilers fans. Go get us Ho-Sang and Duclair and let’s see what they can do in top six roles (also at that point I just let Hitch leave and give the coaching duties to like maybe Glen I guess and then figure that shit out for next year too can we trade assistant coaches?)

PS – I think I found out what’s in our water: it’s terrible amateur scouts:

Miss you, Tony Time.

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