MAB: No Connor, many problems

Except instead of Thanos it’s Daryl Katz, walking away into a tropical abyss with his friends as his Edmonton Oilers disintegrate as a result of his own utter ineptitude. 5,000 fans showed up to watch the Oilers play last night. We sold the building out in ticket sales anyway, of course, but for the first time all year, people didn’t give a fuck. And I can’t imagine the damage his concessions took with way fewer people available to spend $400 on those goddamn Bobby Nicks Burger:

Okay let’s go to our the ENS official field reporter, Gary, for a live look at the fans arriving at Rogers Place, only to find out that Connor was out with the flu:

That arena was spooky quiet. Sam Gagner’s fading memories of the Concrete Jungle and its abnormally insane atmosphere must feel like they came from a parallel universe. Here’s Sam driving to Brooklyn from Providence thinking, “Oh boy! I remember our team STANK NUTS but the crowd was still booming night after night!” only return home and play the Arizona Coyotes sans Connor McDavid on a mother fucking Tuesday.

We lost. I called it.

1st Period

I confirmed that Colby Cave is, indeed, a player on the Oilers:

Yep. First time I ever notice Colby Cave and it’s him shooting the puck to Leduc. They don’t get more wide open than picking up the puck at the bottom of the circle on a 60° angle from the net, with no opposing jersey anywhere near the vicinity, and Colby still panic-launched it over the Roll Up the Rim ad. Also, Colby Cave was out there at 4-on-4, because sure.

Like that’s Rieder and Cave at 4-on-4, which equates to one goal in 75 combined games out there at 4-on-4, and Bobby Burgers thinks we’re still trying to make the playoffs. Evidentally, he hasn’t told the coach this, because I haven’t seen a tank this deliberate since the Great Fall of 2010. Ryan Potulny played 64 games for us that year. He played 10 career NHL games after that.

ENS Fun Fact: Ryan last played for a team called the Braehead Clan, which sounds like not a professional sports team.

Anyway I’m rambling now because a whole lot of nothing happened in this period and I have a word count to make. So let’s laugh at our attempt at doing the defense:

Yes, Matty Benning and Tobias Rieder played hot potato for five seconds before Mikko Koskinen saved them from being one of Carolina Szwed’s ‘Worst Plays of the Month’. Also the ice at Rogers Place is a humungous heap of trash and I don’t care what anyone says. The ice being good in Edmonton was perhaps once true, it is since a myth. That ice stinks.


2nd Period

They finally scored. Find someone who loves you the way Kris Russell loves to panic throw the puck up the middle of the ice:

That’s Josh Archibald’s 8th of the year. Obligatory “he’d be fifth on the Oilers in goals” mention. Josh Archibald has as many points as Milan Lucic. He makes the league minimum.

1-0 Yotes oh and they outshot us 16-7 that period hahahaha WHAT?!

3rd Period

Okay we’re bad without Connor but not “so bad that Clayton ’38 points and still leading the team in scoring’ Keller’s Coyotes whoop our shit for 60 minutes,” right? RIGHT! Here comes a big goal from… Adam Larsson?!

Adam Larsson?!?!

He has three goals this year. He’s now tied for second among Oilers defensemen in goals. I wish I was kidding.

Shanny’s Note: I said “big goal” up there like that goal or that game really mattered in any capacity. Neither mattered. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s keep going anyway.

Arizona scored again on what was just an embarrassing shift:

I thought it was a tough game for Matty Vegas and Sekera, who looked bad together. In this 11 second sequence of misery, they made Vinny Hinostroza look like Pavel fucking Datsyuk. Nuge got beat out of the Connor but guess what Nuge said after the game?:

I actually might name my first born Nuge. I love him, and we need to make him the first player ever to spend an entire career with the Oilers. Oh, and he tied it up too:

What a pass from Leon Draisaitl, too. Two assists for Leon, whose lazy ass clearly needed McDavid to help get him all those points yesterday. Bobby Spinner, gimme that good news:

There are people in Edmonton who would trade him for Dan Girardi tomorrow if they could. Exile those people to some suburban hellscape, like Steen River, or Regina.

Fuck I love Nuge.



Colby Cave played.


If you would have told me at the beginning of the year that Sam Gagner would be in a shootout for the Edmonton Oilers with 20ish games left…

Like, he didn’t score. But I will admit it gave me many memory boners watching Gags try that vintage Sammy G shootout move which I think he clicked on like 6% of the time.

Anyway they beat us.

3-2 Coyotes, final


ENS is 1-0 all time when predicting losses. I’m so sorry, Hank.

Oh, Donald:

We’re also five points out of 31st and have more lottery wins in the last 18 years than we do playoff appearances… piece of cake #LOILTY!

Never trust a man with a neck beard that extends two area codes beyond the Adam’s apple. Donald also cheers for another franchise immune to success: the Chicago Bears.

When you’re seriously desperate for some stats:

Oh man, Ty Rattie tied a career-high in shots yes baby the Oilers have won one game in the month of February!

Man it sucks butt because this team is terrible and are the equivalent of watching your family dog get beaten to death by a pool noodle, especially without Connor. But if we played .500 hockey in the month we’d miraculously be in a playoff position. How is this true? Have the other teams caught Oilerzitis?

I’ve liked Sam Gagner. I don’t know if it’s the biased nostalgia coming out, or the fact that he’s definitely not Ryan Spooner, but I’ve really liked Sam Gagner. I think he could seriously help PP2. Not that it matters this year, but moving forward I think he could be an asset for next season and an even cheaper asset for beyond. He’s a fourth line spark plug who can chip in on the man advantage.

Okay I’m just happy that Sammy G is home where he belongs. He’s an Oiler.

Elliotte giving me a little hope:

I’m hopelessly giddy about the thought of this team getting Hall back. But we can’t have nice things, so whatever.

You know damn well that Mark Spector and John Shannon and Mimmy Jatheson and Davey Sinks will pin this failure of a year on the lack of leadership and character in the dressing room and that its all the players’ fault for giving up or not caring or some other scapegoatingly repulsive propaganda. Their annual mutiny has kind of already begun:

Okay I know I just backed Sam Gagner to the bone but to say he’s the best leader on the team since Matty goddamn Ice is such a ridiculous statement it hurts. John Shannon would trade Nuge for a piece of Ryan Jones’ hair if he could. Not to mention he just blatantly disrespected Connor McDavid. And it makes you wonder if Milan’s $42 million leadership was kind of redundant? They think the players don’t care. Does this look like the celebration of a player who doesn’t care?

If anyone’s earned the right to not give a shit it’s Nuge. He’s been through hell and back with this black hole of an organization, yet he’s still perpetually giving his all for the club.

This is also not the first time John Shannon has said something absurdly stupid about Matt Hendricks:

Can someone explain what John Shannon actually did to earn his spot as an NHL analyst? It’s mindblowing that Sportsnet allows this man to spread his opinion on puck stuff. We make jokes about some of the other idiots not having a clue but this insufferably delusional idiot never has an accurate take. He’s not even in the same area code as accurate takes. If his takes were an arena, and take accuracy was a city, he’d be the Canadian Tire Centre from Ottawa away from actually making sense. Give this man a serveance package.

The players have not given up, they’re just not very good. The owner hasn’t given up because, in order to give up, you actually have to give a shit in the first place. The fans, however, have given up. And it’s long overdue. This message should have been sent years ago but we lucked out and won a lottery that gifted us the most generational player since at least Sidney Crosby and, understandably, we fell for their shit again. It’s time to start grilling them. And kudos to Mark Connolly from CBC Radio for being the first to do that:

This was a journalistic masterpiece. I can already see John Shannon’s beady little eyes fuming through his hipster glasses for someone having the low hangers to call out his buddy Bobby Burgers. Bob Stauffer is screaming patience as he spasmodically hyperventilates for his pep and mush at Royal Pizza. Brenden Escott is frantically begging for everyone to breathe. I’m going ahead and electing Mark Connolly as the inaugural member of the ENS Hall of Fame. Thank you so much, Mark. Bless you.

PS – John Shannon chewed Nuge apart on OilersPROPAGANDA today. Said, once again, that he’s not doing enough. Called him out in broad daylight. John:

PSS – He’s honestly clueless:

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