MABoooooooooooo this franchise

Ya so we might as well just get right into it.

1st Period

*shout emoji* FORMER OILER ALERT! *laughing emoji*

Okay, so technically Erik Gustafsson never played for the Oilers. But we took him in the fourth round back in 2012, and then decided that we didn’t want to sign him despite the Swedish defenseman averaging like 0.5 points per game with Frolunda. Now he’s a regular on the Hawks blue line and has wildly accumulated 11 goals and 34 goddamn points in 51 games with Chicago this year.

Erik would be fourth on the team in points and fifth in goals. We let him walk for nothing. I’ll get more angrily into this in a minute, but first:

That’s a new career high and a 30 goal plaque for Leon. Look at this guy!

He’s either going “Yes look at this logo we’re number one!” or “Yes this right here is the piece of apparel that I will throw on the ice!”

And whatever here’s Leon again because this was the only positive portions of the game and of course I wasn’t even watching when all this was going down:

Make it 31 for Leon. All the blue collared oil workers in Edmonton can’t stand Leon because he was born outside of North America and therefore must be a lazy box of Corn Flakes who don’t have none of that heart and #grit it takes to wear the MIGHTY OIL DROP but the fact of the matter is he’s tied for third in the entire league for goals and tied for eighth in points and if you F-350 driving butt missiles think we should trade that because he makes good money then you clearly haven’t learned from the Taylor Hall trade and you should never speak about hockey again.

And don’t give me that shit about him playing with Connor. Yes, I’m sure playing with Connor McDavid elevates his point totals at times. But you know how many players have played with Connor and haven’t scored at Leon’s rate? We could make one of those Cleveland Browns quarterbacks jerseys of just “wingers who played with McDavid” and it would be just as long, and just as sad.

We are the first team in the league with two 30 goal scorers and we’re 19th in the league for goals scored. Two 30 goal scorers, not even in the top half for goals scored. Thank you, Peter and Bob and Daryl and the OBC.

2-1 for the team that’s about to blow it for a third straight game.

Let’s fast-forward by the second period because it was meaningless.

3rd Period

It was an all out disaster of epic proportions and we know what happened so let’s just skip to the good part. After giving up three goals in what felt like half a millisecond, the thinkable happened. Here it is, in all it’s glory…

*shouting emoji* FORMER OILER ALERT *hysterically crying emoji*

God hates me. This was, as I said, a bigger guarantee than the Patriots playing in the Super Bowl every February. I hope ya’ll bet money on this. I really do. This was such a fucking lock. The Oilers have done the unthinkable and made me miss Drake Caggiula. Brandon Manning was eating popcorn and dreaming about severing clavicles as this puck went in. I will never forgive the OEG for these years. Fuck it all.

Today in, “What the goddamn hell is Kris Russell doing laying on the ice like that?!” we examine why Kris Russell was laying on the ice like this!

It’s because, like Magikarp’s iconic “splash”, this is Kris Russell’s signature move.

Four of the five players in that screenshot were acquired by Peter, and not a single one of them did anything to prevent this buttfuckery of a goal from going in. The only thing colder than Edmonton’s weather is the Oilers organization. That’s six straight L’s. And speaking of 6, Chicago added one more, because of course they did.

6-2 Hawks. holy shit.

Goddamn Thoughts

I can’t take this shit anymore. Get me as far away from hockey as geographically possible. I will relocate my life to a hut in rural Brazil like Bruce Banner and never appear again.

This is such a tire fire:

I’d like to assume it’s because we need to get Cam some starts so that someone will trade for him so that we can recall Rej and not take a cap penalty punch to the nut sack by the NHL but who knows anymore. Mikko Koskinen has looked like anything but a $4.5 million goalie over his past 16 appearances and literally nobody will trade for him and I hope the team hasn’t lost confidence in him because that would set up a really nightmarish incoming three years of hell. I wish those fucking Mayans would have destroyed us like they promised.

Who cares.

Drake Caggiula will forever haunt me and I’ve accepted that.

No hot takes. No nothings. I can’t write anymore today. I’m exhausted. Bye.

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