Two Fucking Games

Well now. This was definitely a shit turn of events. You know the old saying how “Oilers fans can’t even enjoy wins because we’re so negative blah blah” all that shit? Well, guess what? We literally can’t celebrate any wins. I was actually semi-happy after a win for a pleasant change. I’m riding the Gagner high through our arctic tundra and into my imaginary happy place. Connor and Leon and Nuge are torching the NHL. Yes, Peter dick fucked the rest of our roster, but today felt pretty good, until it didn’t anymore.

Save yourself the torture of listening to the explanation. It’s ridiculous. Radko Gudas – who has been suspended basically every year he’s played in the NHL – was given the exact same amount of games from attempting to decapitate Nikita Kucherov with his stick. Evgeni Malkin maliciously swung his stick at Michael Raffl’s head earlier this month and was given one (1) game. Connor gets beaten to death like a fucking piñata:

And throws ONE bad hit and is sentenced to two games in NHL prison. That hypocritical butt weasel George Parros let the hammer fall on McJesus, and now the Messiah will serve time for something Georgey did probably no less than 500 times in his career. What the honestly hell is with Ivy League grads wanting to punish the Oilers so much?

You know what? Fuck it. I’m down with it. The only thing that sucks is this might cost him a shot at coming back down 15 with 20 left to win the Art Ross. However, Connor’s got some hair on his nuts now. He’s officially a bad guy. I dig it. I very much dig it. Wouldn’t be surprised if Connor goes into NHL prison like the innocent mutant he is, only to come out with gang tattoos on his chest and neck and back like Nikolaj Coster-Waldau in Shot Caller. Plus, what are the scenarios here?

  1. Lose both games: Okay, so it’s a typical four-day window in Edmonton? So we’re that much closer to boning the NHL again and winning yet another lottery? A new (hopefully) competent GM + a progressive thinking head coach with a flair for some offense + Jack Hughes + Leon Draisaitl + Ryan Nugent-Hopkins + Connor McBadBoy? Eat so much shit, NHL.
  2. Win both games: You know what? If we miraculously come out of this 2-0 we’re making the goddamn playoffs. I actually promise you we’ll make the playoffs because A) think of the momentum we’ll get out of winning without Him, and B) Connor will make Bruce Banner look like Mother Teresa after he’s released from NHL jail.

I’m still in shock. I thought maybe he’d get one game. I thought it most likely he would get a max fine. But this seems… egregious? Shockingly irresponsible, actually. Leddy was going to stay out for the power play before Barry pulled him off for a quick examination. Of course, this is coming from a league that can even figure out how to not lockout every six-to-eight years, so you can’t really expect them to make the right decision with their generational star.

And yes, if that were Nick Leddy and he tried that on Connor I’d be asking for some form of repercussion. Not necessarily in the form of a suspension, because who cares they’re not a rival and we don’t play them anymore, but at least some form of retaliatory punishment in the form of someone hitting him into the 26th row. Regardless, I’m officially all in on the Oilers again. The only thing that could have made me fully comeback would have been the NHL doing something to piss me off and congratulations, George. You’ve done it. You’ve actually made me hate you more than I hate the Oilers now. I might even buy a Bobby fucking Nicks Burger the next time I go to a game. It’s us against the NHL again, everyone. So take your Department of Player Safety, take your cluelessly blind referees, and shove it all right up your large intestine.

PS – It’s times like these where I think, “I wonder how Magoo is handling this?” Like he’s probably redecorating his entire living space right at this moment while his wife begs him to calm down because it’s only a two-game suspension, but Magoo doesn’t listen to her as he continuously drives his fist into the wall. That’s how I picture Magoo sometimes. I don’t know. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s driving his orange SUV to New York now with the intent of fighting the entire NHL Head Office.

Best buddies:

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