GDB: The bad boys are back in town

We’re BACK.

Fresh off a successful road trip (7 of 10 points, not a big deal) and points in seven of eight (five of six since the #bebad campaign took off), the boys are back in town. Up next is a familiar idiot, and oh baby am I fired up for this one. The next two, actually. But we’re focused on tonight right now. There’ll be plenty of time to talk shit about Saturday. Today, it’s all about those piece of asshole Canucks. Let’s do this game day blog.

Tonight’s Opponent

Oops, sorry. Wrong blog.

There we go. This is actual footage of the only time His Majesty the Stanley Cup has ever been presented in the city of Vancouver. What a treat. This is also rare footage of Milan’s only memorable contribution to the Edmonton Oilers hockey club. Big Daddy Looch and the Bruins took it to Vancouver before Vancouver took it to their own city. Other than that, the only thing Stanley in the BC lower mainland is that dump of a park. These guys are notorious losers, and that game and the shenanigans that followed was their Mona Lisa. It also produced maybe my favourite moment in my entire lifetime of watching professional sports:

The corpse of Ryan Kesler may be rotting in the shadows of Disneyland but the stench of his unfathomable shitfuckery will forever taint those detestable sweaters. Fuck this team. Fuck this city. Fuck Elsa Pettersson. Fuck Ryan Kesler’s eight goddamn points in Anaheim. And fuck the green men with all 1,001 acres of Stanley Park.

Our Lineup

T’was an optional skate this morning so Christ again for these guys making me do my own work. But I’d ballpark it at something like this:

Draisaitl – McDavid – Kassian
Lucic – RNH – Chiasson
Rieder – Cave – Currie
Gagner – Brodziak – Khaira

Klefbom – Larsson
Nurse – Russell
Benning – Sekera

Koskinen

The Punjabi Punisher looks like he’s ready to return. Nothing’s official yet but if all goes well, he should be back in the lineup tonight. I’ll be honest, I haven’t given his absence much thought but anything’s better than Brad Malone, and Ty Rattie seems to have cemented himself in Ken’s doghouse (the Cockhouse, if you will, a place Jake Virtanen’s wife regularly enjoys to visit).

I still think Gravel is better than at least two of the defensemen we’ve been dressing but Matty St. Albert has actually played better since Reggie’s triumphant return to the lineup. Kris is still Kris but I hate this team a lot less since the #bebad movement so I won’t say anything bad about him before the game. This is a must win. It’s good vibes only right now.

Mikko might start every game between now and our ENS-guaranteed inevitable playoff clinching moment. He’s been sporadic. At times, absolutely brilliant. Other times, what in the serious fuck? Again, positivity. I’m channelling all my good energy over to the Oilers tonight. I hope ya’ll do too. Let’s beat these dickheads.

These Dickheads

These dickheads played last night (and beat the Leafs, a game in which I had no problem cheering for the world to end so that neither team would win). They actually went into OT as well. They’re tired. They’re weak. They’re the Canucks. I know they’re tied with us and everything like that but come on, look at this roster:

Pearson – Horvat – Goldobin
Leivo – Pettersson – Boeser
Roussel – Gaudette – Granlund
Eriksson – Beagle – Motte

Edler – Biega
Pouliot – Stecher
Sautner – Schenn

Demko

I know we joke about the Oilers being a bullshit lineup and that sort of thing but come on, at least we have four players who other GMs would kill to have. The Canucks have the obnoxiously large helmet of Petterson, who just finished his senior year at Slytherin. Then, Bo Horvat, whose 48 points put him comfortably in 80th. Before Pettersson, it was Brock Boeser who was unfairly labeled as Vancouver’s offensive response to Connor, and his 44 points give him one more than Kevin Labanc. And what else? Spoons!

I honestly tried to find a GIF of Spoons’ time with the Oilers but I legit don’t have one. I never bothered to make one of him or his two goals. Just utterly useless. Our memory of his time in Edmonton will go down as “just a little bit more memorable than Jussi Jokinen” in that, nobody will remember anything that he did, but at least we got Sammy G back for him. And Sam is our nostalgic God. Spoons is dealing with an injury and is doubtful for tonight, so his video tribute might have to wait.

Jay Beagle (33-years-old) makes $3 million until 2022 because Jim Benning frantically threw money at his face this summer in what was allegedly an attempt to sell tickets, forgetting that A) Beagle’s eight playoff points were 1/3 of his career high in a season, and B) it’s Jay fucking Beagle. If Peter gave Beagle $3 million this summer we would have drove that model truck right out of the Ford Hall windows and onto oncoming 104th street traffic. But it was Jimbo, a man now humourously praised by Canucks fans for dumping human boat anchor Erik Gudbranson off to Pittsburgh despite all of Vancouver apparently forgetting it was the same Jim Benning who signed Erik Gudbranson to that horrendous contract literally one year ago.

Speaking of contracts, Loui Eriksson is a $6 million fourth liner but his 22 points are five more than our $6 million second liner so I’m not going to say anything else except that after this contract, Loui Eriksson will have made over $66 million as an NHL player, and he’ll have done it despite not having a single mentionable moment as a pro. His best years were in Dallas, and nobody remembers him in Dallas unless otherwise told and then you go “oohhh” and then we quietly shut up as we remember the man responsible for paying the premium to get him out of Dallas in the first fucking place. Honestly, I’m proud of Loui. This is how life as a hockey player SHOULD be. Make this man head of the NHLPA.

On defense, Vancouver’s throwing out the shattered remains of Alex Edler and 30-year-old 6/7 Alex Biega on the top pair. I’m assuming Alex^2 will be shadowing Connor tonight so Kucherov’s 16 point lead is in jeopardy.

Markstrom played last night and the game went into overtime but in Thatcher Demko’s last start he was shelled for five on 29 against Arizona – the league’s 28th best offense. I hope to hell we see him tonight.

Vancouver, You Idiots

I’ll make this brief because I’m tired and I’ve written too much but yikes, what a bunch of idiots:

I mean, it goes without saying that these are distinctively the worst fans in the game of hockey, but this was abhorrently bad, even by their low standards. And let’s get one thing straight: These were not Torontonians shouting during a moment of silence for one of hockey’s most iconic figures, these were Leaf fans from Vancouver. Because when the Buds played in that dump of a Saddledome just a few nights ago, the moment of silence was exactly that: silent. Then they go to the area code featuring the people most famous for attempting to burn the core of their city down after one game and nobody can shut up for 30 seconds to honour a literal legend. This is Vancouver: A city with absolutely no regard for anything other than their own, ethically built by foreign investors and wealthy assholes and Instagram public figures in a way that mirrors Silicon Valley without any of the accompanying tech contributions. In two decades, the city will have a floating monorail that will cost $500 to take you from Yaletown to Waterfront, and you’ll be encouraged to spit on the poor as you fly over them. Fuck Vancouver.

Except the Roxy. That place bumps.

Also here’s a daily reminder that Steve Simmons sucks, he hates us, and he’ll never get over the fact that we have McDavid and the Leafs do not:

He didn’t even get the stats right. That’s legit just mumbo jumbo. This guy has mashed potatoes for brains.

Prediction

Oh man, I want to blow these fuckers out. 8-2 Oilers because you know that little shit Ellie will get at least one point, prompting all of Canucks Twitter to frantically open their phones and shout at Edmonton about how he’s like Connor only better. But Connor will terrorize a tired Canucks blue line and coast his way to five points. Leon has a hatty tonight you heard it here first. And it’s time to unleash the “former player curse” on another team for a change, Sammy G gets two goals.

Also Currie with one. The Pride of PEI. He’s been my replacement for Tony Slepyshev. I love him.

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